/https://www.thestar.com/content/dam/thestar/life/advice/2018/06/23/i-discovered-that-im-expectingbut-i-know-the-child-isnt-my-husbands-ask-ellie/sad_woman.jpg)
I’m happily married and believe my hubby’s attracted to me just as I find him to be a great husband, best friend, fantastic lover and my most strident supporter during challenging times.
I’m late 20s and fear my biological clock’s ticking away.
.
I’ve been trying to get pregnant for five years. We’ve tried fertility procedures including IVF treatment, unsuccessfully.
The doctors informed us that my husband’s sperm can’t aid conception, for various reasons.
I’ve raised adoption or foster-parenting, but he’s not eager about alternative options to raise children.
The doctors informed us that my husband’s sperm can’t aid conception, for various reasons.
I’ve raised adoption or foster-parenting, but he’s not eager about alternative options to raise children.
Article Continued Below
I became depressed. I didn’t seek help because I didn’t want anyone else to know how we felt.
My hubby and I distanced after we accepted that we couldn’t have our own children.
I found solace and comfort in other men, which led to sexual intimacy. I know it was wrong and feel terrible. But I ultimately decided to face the future with hope and courage.
I had new-found love for my husband.
Shortly after those extramarital encounters, I discovered that I’m expecting.
My hubby and I distanced after we accepted that we couldn’t have our own children.
I found solace and comfort in other men, which led to sexual intimacy. I know it was wrong and feel terrible. But I ultimately decided to face the future with hope and courage.
I had new-found love for my husband.
Shortly after those extramarital encounters, I discovered that I’m expecting.
I told my hubby and both our extended families who were all overjoyed. My hubby was thrilled that he’d defied the odds.
Privately, I knew this child isn’t his, because I had unprotected intercourse with some of those men.
Privately, I knew this child isn’t his, because I had unprotected intercourse with some of those men.
Article Continued Below
Also, some were of a different race than I am (my husband and I are of the same race and cultural ethnicity).
My biggest fear: If the unborn child is of mixed race, this will cause a firestorm and surely contribute to shame, embarrassment, and humiliation for us and our respective families.
After several medical consultations, I was informed that it’s too late in the pregnancy to have an abortion.
I have no choice but to carry on with my pregnancy to term.
It kills me to see my ecstatic hubby booking time off from work and working on a nursery for the baby.
I just cannot muster up the bravado to tell my hubby what really happened. What should I do?
Terrified Mom-to-be
Start “mustering,” just like you found renewed courage and hope after your depression and period of promiscuity.
You now have two other lives to consider besides your own.
The innocent baby you’re carrying is entitled to a future no matter your past behaviour.
You and your husband must find the integrity, responsibility and compassion within yourselves to assure this child is raised in a happy, welcoming home — whether yours or another’s.
You need to tell him the truth, immediately.
If he’s all that you say, he may be able to forgive you due to the stressful circumstances that caused your low period and reckless actions.
If so, he may have the character that allows him to raise this child with you as a loving father.
If not, he may ask you to place the child for adoption.
That’s when you have to decide if you can give up your own child, something you wanted so desperately.
These are tough decisions that must be made, rather than wait.
To anticipate a “firestorm” from your families over a mixed-race child and the facts of the conception, is sad, but not the main issue here.
You’ll need even more courage to raise the child alone, but it can be done if you have the will.
However, if your husband — despite the initial shock and hurt — joins you in raising this baby, you two will set a new tone for respect, acceptance and unconditional love.
Tip of the day
Confessing infidelity is painful for everyone involved but necessary when a child’s life is at question.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.Follow @ellieadvice.
My biggest fear: If the unborn child is of mixed race, this will cause a firestorm and surely contribute to shame, embarrassment, and humiliation for us and our respective families.
After several medical consultations, I was informed that it’s too late in the pregnancy to have an abortion.
I have no choice but to carry on with my pregnancy to term.
It kills me to see my ecstatic hubby booking time off from work and working on a nursery for the baby.
I just cannot muster up the bravado to tell my hubby what really happened. What should I do?
Terrified Mom-to-be
Start “mustering,” just like you found renewed courage and hope after your depression and period of promiscuity.
You now have two other lives to consider besides your own.
The innocent baby you’re carrying is entitled to a future no matter your past behaviour.
You and your husband must find the integrity, responsibility and compassion within yourselves to assure this child is raised in a happy, welcoming home — whether yours or another’s.
You need to tell him the truth, immediately.
If he’s all that you say, he may be able to forgive you due to the stressful circumstances that caused your low period and reckless actions.
If so, he may have the character that allows him to raise this child with you as a loving father.
If not, he may ask you to place the child for adoption.
That’s when you have to decide if you can give up your own child, something you wanted so desperately.
These are tough decisions that must be made, rather than wait.
To anticipate a “firestorm” from your families over a mixed-race child and the facts of the conception, is sad, but not the main issue here.
You’ll need even more courage to raise the child alone, but it can be done if you have the will.
However, if your husband — despite the initial shock and hurt — joins you in raising this baby, you two will set a new tone for respect, acceptance and unconditional love.
Tip of the day
Confessing infidelity is painful for everyone involved but necessary when a child’s life is at question.
Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com.Follow @ellieadvice.
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